Online dating is not for everyone

Madari Pendas / Staff Writer

 

A few months ago I was invited to an acquaintance’s birthday party. Among the other party goers was a young couple in their mid twenties, whom I’ll refer to as Mary and Gary.

Mary works at an AT&T store and Gary as a mechanic.  They had been dating for over two years, shared a car together, and had plans for a marriage in the imminent future. Each loved speaking about the other, Gary loved teasing Mary about her obese dog; and Mary repeatedly sent him text messages while both were in the same room. When I asked them how they met the conversation was changed, and I was too distracted by cake to bring it up again.

A few weeks later, the thought returned and I asked another friend who had been to the same party, he said, “they met online.”

Mary and Gary were embarrassed that they had met online. And this stigma is common in a lot of people, who will rarely admit that they are online dating. But why does this stigma exist? According to U.S Researchers in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences one in three marriages in the United States was a result of online dating (this study was funded by EHarmony, and other independent studies have reached a number closer to one in five marriages). Also, according to the Pew Research Center the percentage of people who viewed online dating as desperate dropped from twenty-nine percent in 2003 to twenty-one percent in 2013.

Online dating is losing its social stigma and being used more readily, as dating applications for mobiles devices are increasing, is it a more viable option than traditional dating?

With online dating there exist a myriad of dangers that are not present through traditional forms of dating. According to Privacyrights.org people who online date are susceptible to consumer fraud and misleading promises, rip off scams, sexual predation, data security breeches, and defamation.  FT_online-dating-attitudes

Consumer fraud is a high possibility because dating sites do not divulge the algorithms they use in calculating matches. OkCupid, a free dating service, uses the tag line “we use math to get you dates,” however none of the math is verifiable. And a study published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest said “it is unlikely that any matching algorithm that seeks to match two people based on information available before they are aware of each other can account for more than a very small proportion of the variance in long-term romantic outcomes, such as relationship satisfaction and stability.”

The Federal Trade Commision has done nothing to investigate the claims made by datings sites or protect consumers from fraud; however there is no way of gauging the validity of dating algorithms, especially since these sites refuse to share their findings with the scientific community.

“The U.S. Department of State and the Consumer Fraud Task Force receives complaints daily and thousands per year from people who have been scammed out of money online.” Tech savvy scammers will manipulate their profiles and prey upon people’s desires or attractions to them.

Whereas with traditional dating, consumer fraud is not a risk one has to assume in order to find love. Instead of algorithms they are relying on their instincts, chemistry, and unfettered emotions. When a person meets a potential romantic interest through a friend or a traditional medium the romantic interest has already been screened by the friend; and because of mutual friendships similar interests and personality traits are bound to exist.

This doesn’t mean that deception and fraud do not occur in offline relationships, in fact one advantage of online dating is that you can research a potential love interest ad nauseum. Reverse image look up databases can help if someone has used an alias, and background checks can uncover arrest records or felonies. That is a great advantage of online dating, most people will not admit to their criminal records on a first date, and through a lie they may inveigle their way to more dates.

I dated one individual who I met through a co-worker who had lied about getting arrested for driving without a license. He never revealed this information and it took me one month to learn this information, through a simple Google search. Had we met online I could have quickly Googled his name and avoided a lot of tribulation.

This is one of the main faults of traditional dating. Too much time is invested to simply learn you are not compatible with a person or that you may not share the same goals.FT_14.02.13_onlinedating_310

Another issue to address is sexual predation. A serious danger that accompanies meeting or speaking with anyone online. And while some dating sites perform background checks criminal records are not as accessible in every state, or can be easily stymied by a motivated individual.

For instance, Jeffrey Marsalis used Match.com, his profile said: “I have to say that I am highly driven, and I am looking for that special someone that has the same qualities. … I am also looking for a woman to be a leader and take the initiative and make things happen for herself, and not blaming others for incidentals that might happen along the way during the pathway of life…”

Marsalis lied about who he was online. He listed himself as a trauma surgeon chosen to go to Nasa (seriously) and would meet women online and then date rape them by slipping drugs into their drinks.

However, traditional dating is not immune to these types of incidents. Marsalis also date raped a woman he had met through a mutual friend. Thirty-eight percent of date rape victims were assaulted by a friend or acquaintance. For people who know their attacker more personally, such as in a friend, it may be more difficult to report the incident. Neither method of dating, whether online or offline, can prevent rape from occurring and everyone should be cautious of who they meet and their environment.
Despite the many differences and similarities between online dating and traditional dating. I must pronounce the traditional form a superior alternative.  As privacyrights.org states “analytical studies indicate that for long-term success in a romantic relationship, information about a person’s individual characteristics tells you little about long-term prospects. The more relevant information comes from the interaction between two people, such as communication patterns, problem-solving tendencies, and sexual compatibility which can only emerge after two people have met in person.”

Love at first sight is unlikely to happen online, because the visceral reaction produced from a loved one’s presence can’t occur digitally. Especially in the buffet style atmosphere that is online dating. However, I don’t doubt that some people have had success with online dating and met their “soulmate.” As embarrassed as Mary and Gary were about having met online they genuinely loved one another and were trying to build a life together. Their love isn’t any less legitimate; and in the twenty first century we will need to start getting use to non-traditional love stories.

 

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